October 16, 2014 was a banner day. It is the first day I liked being at work. It is the first day I felt that I was unified with God. It was the day I finally began to understand what Love actually is. Okay, maybe not the actual first day, but things were different.
First, Love is different from what I expected. It’s not so much doing stuff for other people, but that is included. It is more like a feeling you have when you have allowed everything that is not Love, in other words, everything of this ego-world, to drop away as unimportant. I realize that the preparation you are making is sort of like emptying a vessel so that it can be filled. What you are emptying is the crap of life that we have invested in which really just weighs you down and holds you back more than anything. When you empty the vessel, you allow the fullness of God to shine through. That shining feels like fullness and joy and light. When you feel this you realize how silly the world and its agendas and problems and ambitions are. You know that you are taken care of, despite being in the world still.
The last couple of weeks have gotten me the “rest of the way”. In this time I have realized that resistance is the enemy; resisting anything simply keeps me in the ego-world. I have also realized the importance of being in the present moment, though it is different from what I thought it would be.
First, resistance. I figured out that the more I resist something, the more I keep it present, or at least available for the ego’s use. The thing I’ve been dealing with lately is anger. To be more specific, impatience with others. As anger arose, the first thing I would try to do is pretend like I wasn’t angry. Then as the anger settled in, I would attempt to to get rid of it by saying to myself that I had let it go or that I had forgiven that person. What would happen is that the anger would still be there yet I would have, in my mind, realized that it was silly to be angry. This realization did not make the anger go away. The thing that I realized I must do is allow myself to be angry. It’s like I had to give myself permission to feel this way. That’s because, when you are on the road to getting to where you can let things go, the ego still wants to be involved. The ego jumps in and says, “I shouldn’t feel anger; I’m a forgiving person.” Then you resist the anger…and it stays. It stays longer during that time, and it returns because it has not been dealt with. This is the resistance.
Seemingly the strangest thing you can do in that situation is to simply allow yourself to be angry. Feel the anger. Allow yourself to feel it with its fullest rage. Simply say to yourself, “I am angry”, and let yourself feel it. One note: try not to let your rage out on a person or people during this time. It might help to tell someone how you feel, but it is important, while you feel this anger, not to go off on someone. That won’t help any more than resisting will, and it could cause serious harm.
Nearly every time when I finally relented and admitted that I was angry, the anger subsided very quickly. Allowance was the key. Resistance was the enemy.
That leads to the second: being in the present moment. I used to think that this meant that you are rigidly observing exactly what is going on exactly this second, continually. Instead, it is similar to the last situation. It is more like you simply allow the present moment to be with whatever it brings with it: thoughts, feelings, emotions, physical sensations…. To try and focus on the present is helpful, but it is not exactly what we’re aiming for. It is more like we are simply experiencing the present without trying to make it something else. We are content, realizing this moment is perfect. This is how I experienced work yesterday; I reminded myself that this moment and being at this job were perfect and I allowed everything to unfold without trying to make it something else. That doesn’t mean that there weren’t times when I wished I was home instead. But at those times, I simply allowed myself to feel that and continued on. Lying to myself and saying that I really wanted to be at work in those moments would have been resisting and would have kept me from actually being in the present. By allowing rather than resisting, I was able to empty myself of the ego and be filled with peace and joy.
I was surprised when the main focus of A Course In Miracles was forgiveness. I guess I had something in mind that awakening was supposed to be and forgiveness wasn’t really it. Now I’m surprised how complete forgiveness is as far as bringing us into unity with our True Self.
I understand now that we are all one and that we only seem to be separate. Because of that, if I decide to be upset with another for any reason, I actually receive that feeling. My being upset with another is the cause as well as the effect of my decision. This is the law of cause and effect. It is also the complete understanding of karma (which is simply another name for that law). The action is also the consequence.
With that in mind I now understand the importance of forgiveness. In the Christian scriptures Jesus explained that the unwillingness to forgive actually imprisons us. As I have experimented with forgiveness, I have found that saying that it imprisons is not quite enough. I would go as far as to say that unforgiveness is the root of nearly every bit of suffering we experience. It is the cause of unhappiness. Unforgiveness is the reason we feel that we are separate from each other and the Creator.
When I initially read about the importance of forgiveness in ACIM, I was able to forgive and experience a lightness and joy I had not felt in years. That was nearly two years ago. But my ego wouldn’t let go of me that easily. It quickly redirected my attention to groups of people I felt superior to, individuals who have wronged me in the past, etc. I have struggled since that time to come to terms with the reality that forgiveness is what I need and trying to let go of everything I held against others. I used to think of myself as a pretty forgiving person. I was surprised to discover how wrong I was. I found things to hold against people I didn’t even know simply because of deep-seated prejudices I didn’t realize I had.
Things seem to be coming around, at long last, and I realize how my attack thoughts toward others immediately come back to me. It is extremely helpful to understand several things that I didn’t realize before. One is the reality that we are all one, with each other and with God. Another is that whenever I am upset with another, I am really upset with myself and when I attack another, it comes right back to me. It’s only when I really began to understand the former (thanks Ken Wilber) that the latter made sense. That explains why forgiveness is so important. Love your neighbor as your self. I get it now…my neighbor is my self.
“No Boundary” by Ken Wilber took everything I have studied about spirituality and made it understandable. As I read the first part of the book I could eventually see where it was leading, which was to reveal that there is no separation at all, anywhere. The only separation I ever perceived is separation that I made. Seeing that was an enlightenment, of sorts.
Lately (the last few years) A Course In Miracles has been helpful to me, along with some teachings from Buddhism. I had been getting to the point where I could put it all together when Wilber’s book suddenly appeared. This was the (a) final piece of the (a) puzzle. All of a sudden I could understand the teachings of the Buddha, Jesus, Hinduism, Taoism and nearly every other discipline. I could also see how they had been ripped out of their contexts, dogmatized and turned into “religion”.
I have studied Buddhism nearly as long as the teachings of Jesus. I never really saw them as two different disciplines as much as I didn’t understand how they complemented each other. Jesus seemed to focus on love and serving where Buddhism focused on mindfulness and being in the present. No Boundary helped me understand that that the only thing that exists is the “original self” whose reality is love and that there is only the present moment and that being in the present fully is eternal life. Nothing else exists except for illusions that an apparently separated humanity has made up. It has helped me see Christian scriptures, which I refused to look at for a time, in a whole new light. It has helped me understand that Buddhism is as much about compassion as mindfulness.
More than anything I have discovered that all of the renowned “mystic” teachers throughout history have understood that everything is love and that only the present exists. They understood that there really are no boundaries. They have also attempted to convey to us, in their unique ways, that we do not have to be bound by fear and suffering; that these are phenomena that we have made up and mistakenly bought into because we believed we are separate from “God” or “love” or our “original self”.
Now the challenge is to return to this reality. We have spend eons inventing, teaching and reinforcing boundaries and separation. We are experts at it. It is really ironic that we have become experts at something that is really nothing more than illusion. Returning to what is real and true is not easy. I can talk about it (with my words that are nothing more than symbols of separation), but assimilating it is the (goal-less) goal. I can call my blog “life awakened” and I can know that complete awakening is possible in each present moment. However, it will take time to fully understand and integrate the reality that the boundaries really do not exist.
I keep getting sidetracked. I get to the point where I realize that the ultimate state is love, and being loving toward others, and I get sucked into the mindfulness trap again. Instead of believing that being one with love is the ultimate, I start to look to other avenues to attain happiness. I usually start looking to teachings that are about being mindful and living in the present. I get sidetracked because when I look at those, I try to use those to attain something I already have. The ego is very clever that way.
The one thing ego does not want is for me to return to love…and stay there! This pattern is a regular cycle for me, but the ego is extremely smart and I always outsmart myself, attempting to find something I already have.
Our original self is love. Some say “God is love”. Either way, our true self, without the tainting of the ego, is unity with God; completely loving. Next, to “be love” is to be completely in the present. Everything that helps you to pay attention to, and live in the present eventually gets you to a point where you become loving and compassionate. The reverse is true, as well. The more you become one with the present, the more compassionate you become. One way to become mindful of the present is to commit to being a loving person. Being love and being in the present are the same. Our original self is eternity, and it is love. These aren’t two different things, they are one in the same. Become love and you will live only in the present. Live only in the present and you will become love.
I have found that the one thing the ego wants to do to me, above anything else, is keep me from being loving. In reality, only love exists. But the ego is an illusion that attempts to convince me that it is real and that love is just one small aspect of life. It has built a false-universe based on fear and loss and pain and craving and getting and having that is not real. In other words, I have made this world in my mind. My true reality is unity with my real self, which is love. Anything other than love has been added by me, or rather, by the ego.
It’s funny, every time I come to this realization I write something about it and make a reminder to myself to read it often. Yet, I always get sidetracked into believing that something else is as or more important than love, and I start the cycle over again.
In the last couple of weeks I have had a change in my job that has helped me prove to myself that what is most important in that situation is serving others, acting with sincere love for them. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the people I work for or the customers who need assistance. When I can focus on doing this at work and home, without becoming cynical, I am success. I have also found that I am living in the present moment, sort of scanning for where I can be of benefit, but also aware of thoughts that try to undermine my peace. When I cave to the ego and start looking for something else, I sabotage the good that is already taking place.
I am writing this as a reminder for myself. I just hope I come across it again in a few weeks.
The one word I can think of that describes how to live is “evenness”. I guess it’s probably the same as equanimity in Buddhism. In this state, nothing is better than anything else; nothing is preferred over anything else. You get to a point where you experience things, but you don’t really react one way or another. Things simply come and go and you observe them as they do. The best way I can describe it is that it’s like you’re watching a football game where you don’t care about either of the teams, you’re just watching the game. When things happen, whether they are perceived to be good or bad, you don’t really respond because you are not invested in the outcome. In that way, you simply enjoy the game, regardless of who wins or loses.
This evenness is the same, except your attitude toward everything is the same as your attitude toward watching a football game where you don’t really care about the outcome. You get to the point where you realize that outcomes are not really as important as you once believed them to be. There is peace now because the outcomes don’t matter. I have to point out, though, that personal effort is still quite important. When I first began to see that outcomes didn’t matter, I thought that effort didn’t matter either. I could not have been more wrong. You give everything to whatever it is you’re doing and, at the same time, let go of the result. It’s exactly what Eugen Herrigel wrote about in “Zen In The Art Of Archery”. The archery master expected his students to give their very best effort, but he also expected them not to be happy or dejected by the result.
The idea of “forgiveness” in A Course In Miracles in foundational in that it is basically teaching you to forgive EVERYTHING. Not only other people, but people, situations, yourself, everything. You eventually get to a point where you realize this world and what happens in it is basically neutral. By letting go of the importance and our deeply ingrained habit of calling things good or bad, we can experience the evenness and more or less observe what is happening around us while also being involved in it.
The letting go is the most important thing. We must let go if we are to experience life beyond the pain and suffering. Coming to an understanding of what this means is the most difficult thing. The practice of letting go is not so difficult when you realize its importance and have some experience doing it.
Letting go leads to the evenness that allows us to experience joy. It leads to the place where we are no longer on the roller coaster of happiness and sadness, emotional states that seem so real, yet really give us nothing at all.